What lessons can we learn about sexual abuse in the home?

There has been a lot of lip service on Facebook and countless blogs about the "counseling" Josh Duggar and the girls he abused received and how that counseling and his “humble and honest confession” makes things better because the family supposedly did the right thing after the abuse happened. I want to point out a few details about that, not because I desire to drag their reputations through the mud, but because I believe there are some crucial lessons to be learned through the tragedy which can only be learned by carefully reading and researching the information. 

As background, here is a brief timeline of events based on the police report. The first incident of abuse reported to the parents occurred in March of 2002. Josh finally admitted to the abuse in July 2002 and was "disciplined" by his parents, but he remained in the home with no reference to steps other than “discipline” which were taken by the family to ensure the abuse would not continue. The abuse did continue through March 2003 when Josh was sent away at the insistence of the church elders after his father finally approached them with the information. His parents refused to send him to professional treatment centers suggested by various elders and instead selected to send him to Harold Walker. Walker used to run the Basic Life Principles Training Center in Little Rock for Bill Gothard (close friend of the Duggar family and founder of the ATI homeschool group who stepped down in 2014 due to 30+ accusations of sexual harassment and molestation and countless failures to report sexual abuse of minors perpetrated by others). Based on Jim Bob’s testimony to the police, Josh's three months with Harold Walker was the "counseling" that he received. However, Michelle later admitted to the police in the report that Walker was not a counselor but rather that Josh was sent there to help this guy they know remodel a building (he was apparently working on converting the old VA hospital into their new training center). There is never any other counselor or time of treatment mentioned for him in the police report dated December 2006 or in any other record which has been disclosed up to this point which leads me to believe Josh never received counseling.

I have seen nothing that talks about Josh's time in Little Rock from his perspective. He refused to be interviewed by the police investigators in 2006 so they were not able to ask him for details concerning his treatment/training/counseling/work project or whatever it truly was in Little Rock, but per Michelle's testimony to the police investigator in 2006, Walker was not a counselor. 

There is absolutely no mention in the police report (3 1/2 years after the abuse) of any counseling for the girls (the only time “counseling” is brought up is by Jim Bob in regards to Josh). When the girls were asked by the police investigator if anyone had talked with them about what happened they answered that their parents did - no additional people/counselors are listed by any of the four siblings who were abused. The father of the family friend who was the fifth girl abused did not permit his daughter to be interviewed by the police so I don't know what kind of help if any she received. 

What do I hope people will come to understand through this sad story?

The significance of abuse

One of Josh's sisters said in the police interview that she loves Josh but did not trust him anymore. Even though the girls were young (the five girls living in the house at the time were between the ages of 12 and 5 years old) and may not all have clear memories of the events, sexual abuse is still a violent crime which has lasting implications for the relationship. Though forgiveness can be honestly extended, the relationship will not necessarily be restored because the trust has been broken. I am not saying it is impossible to restore trust because I know Jesus Christ is a miracle worker in the hearts of His children, but the mere words of “I’m sorry will you forgive me” are not the same as a humbled attitude and sincere behavior and attitude change. I do not know where Josh’s heart is right now. However, in his public statement he said, "I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life." While that is true, there is no mention of the ongoing harm his actions brought upon his victims. I don’t know if the sister has begun to trust him again since the interview in 2006. I do know that just because she has forgiven him does not mean she trusts him or believes that he recognizes the impact it had on her life rather than just his own, and that is her right and her responsibility in placing boundaries between her and her abuser for as long as she sees necessary. When abuse happens in the home, parents should not try to make or force proximity or relationship that is not desired or comfortable for the victim. That brings us to the next point…

The importance of reporting abuse immediately

Abuse must be reported and dealt with immediately so that it doesn't continue to occur or affect more individuals as it did in this case. I have serious problems with the Duggar's decision to allow Josh’s continued unrestricted presence in the home for a full year during which time it was known that he was abusing his sisters. After he was finally sent away for “counseling” in March of 2003 he was allowed to return to the home after only three months of physical labor. I assume there were new practices and family rules put in place after his return in July of 2003 to prevent such events from continuing, but those should have been put in place in March of 2002 when the abuse was first discovered. Since they did not report the crime to authorities or other counseling professionals and take immediate steps to protect the children in the home but chose to deal with it themselves the abuse spread. It was not only one daughter who was abused but four daughters and a family friend who because victims. It would have been enough of a tragic story if there had been only one victim before he was prevented from continuing his abuse. However, because they did not take immediate steps to protect the children in their home the story went from tragic (but sadly more common than people realize) to irresponsible over the year that followed.

The importance of proper counseling.

Based on police interviews, if any of them (the girls or Josh) received professional counseling it was more than 3 1/2 years after the abuse. I know there are many abuse victims who have never received counseling. Some have come through the ordeal with amazing strength and dignity despite their solitary journey. Others have struggled with continued feelings of guilt, betrayal, anger, depression, and the belief that they are now “sloppy seconds” despite the fact that they were victims not willing participants. Regardless of the fact that many have endured their experience to become functional women, this should not keep us from pursuing professional help, particularly for young children in our care who cannot reach out for help themselves.

As far as for the young abuser in the home (yes, even at his age of 14 years it is necessary despite doubt expressed by many merciful individuals who are posting on the web), professional counseling is a necessity. It is not “normal” teenage curiosity or behavior to fondly your young sisters. This type of abnormal, criminal and sinful behavior requires professional help to overcome so that it does not become a lifelong pattern. The longer the behavior occurs and the more violations committed this behavior progresses from a sick curiosity to an obsession to the point that the person is unable to stop despite their recognition that it is wrong and damaging. It was dangerous and irresponsible to allow the abuse to continue for a year giving him further opportunity to become enslaved to the behavior, but to withhold trained counseling was potentially setting him up for future, habitual, sexual abuse as well (notice I used the word “potentially” not “definitely”).

I know many of my friends will object at this point reminding me that God is able to forgive all sin and to change hearts and desires. That is true. God has always been a miracle working God, and His character and power never change. He does promise to forgive the sins of those who repent and trust in Jesus Christ by faith regardless of how heinously or nonchalantly we view the sin. God does change the hearts of His people and give us the desire to love, serve and obey Him. However, despite what some people teach, that does not mean that He always takes away every single sinful desire immediately (or ever in this life). That should be obvious to us because we all continue to sin – repeatedly - day after day - with the same type of sin - myself included. If you think the sins of laziness, lashing out with your tongue, or envy are difficult to control then how much more difficult would it be to control sexual sins which burn images and neural connections in our brains leading to addictive behavior and alluring flashbacks that can occur at any time. Anyone who struggles with pornography (an incredibly large percentage even among Christian men including pastors) knows the incredible accountability, help and safeguards they need in order to abstain from the sin. Sexual abuse is not only sin but it is also a violent crime so it requires carefully crafted levels of accountability (I would argue pornography is also a violent crime but that would be for another blog). Christians cannot assume God will change the heart of the abuser to rid them of this desire just because they have confessed and repented once, or twice. How many times have you repented of your recurring sins? I can't count the times for myself. Even the apostle Paul said he had pleaded with God to remove his “thorn in the flesh” (whatever that means), but it did not happen. Abusers do not have to continue to offend, but they need very specialized help in order to stop.

The latest Duggar story makes me very sad just as it does most of you. I haven't been able to get it off my mind because I am fearful that others will follow the same dangerous pattern we see in place of failing to report abuse for fear of ruining family reputations. This is why I am writing. I did not say it was a malicious failure to report the abuse indicating that the parents wanted it to happen or didn't care that it happened. Clearly they cared and were heartbroken. However, their lack of wisdom in how to deal with abuse resulted in repeated abuse and apparently insufficient (at best) "counseling" or at least counseling not conducted in a timely manner based on a careful reading of details from all official reports. 

I realize most parents don't know what to do in the situation in which the Duggars found themselves. My head would be spinning if it happened in my family, but because I have so many friends who have been abused, have a degree in Psychology, and have a dear friend who works with girls rescued from the sex slave industry as well as trains police officers in abuse identification, I would immediately reach out to professionals and research solid treatment and counseling options because I know without a doubt that I could not handle the treatment or counseling myself (as it appears by all official accounts that the Duggars chose to attempt at least for their girls).

I hope that this tragic incident will help people learn how to handle abuse better. I know the past cannot be undone for Josh, his victims or any of the countless individuals with stories like theirs who are not in the public eye right now. However, the future could look different if people learned what NOT to do in the case of abuse from this story. I hope that we can all, myself included, honestly and humbly learn from mistakes whether from our own or those of others.

"I want to use a catechism, but how do I choose one?"

Where do you find a catechism?

Earlier I explained what a catechism is and why I believe there is value in learning a catechism. In summary to the why question, most Christians do not have a clear and comprehensive understanding of theology (myself included). I wanted my girls to have a growing framework, taken from the inerrancy of the Bible rather than from polite mannerly society or from the politically correct culture, by which to evaluate their beliefs, thoughts, attitudes and actions, and I am convinced that a catechism is a great tool for providing that framework.

So now what? I needed to find a child friendly catechism. I already had one book which contained one so I started by taking that off my shelf. Then I did an online search to discover what else was available. I quickly narrowed it down to three similar catechisms I believed would be well suited for young elementary children.

1.      Truth and Grace Memory Book, book 1: Years ago I bought this catechism upon recommendation from my former women’s ministry director. The book is divided into two parts: (1) the standard question/answer catechism, and (2) Bible verses and theologically rich hymns to memorize. An outline separates the questions/answers and verses into age groups so that you have a more realistic expectation of progress for a 2 year old as compared to a 6 year old (this book is recommended for 2 year olds – 4^th grade).  There are other books in the series geared toward older age levels which build upon what was learned in the previous books. The answers are lengthened, and the memory verses are expanded to multi-verse passages building upon the context of the previously memorized verses, assuming you started with the previous books in the series. I love that this helps to prevent taking verses out of context. This book uses a simplified Shorter Catechism: A Baptist Version based off of the children’s introduction to the Westminster Shorter Catechism but adjusted for the beliefs of the Southern Baptist Convention.

2.      Big Truths for Little Kids by Susan Hunt: Each of the 36 lessons break the catechism down into groups of 2-6 question/answers and includes a short story about a family and their friends to illustrate the questions. The scenarios make the theological questions/answers visibly practical to a child’s daily life rather than mere head knowledge or rote memorization. At the end of each story there are a few discussion questions and a brief prayer. The catechism is a version of the children’s introduction to the Westminster Shorter Catechism listed below.

3.      Catechism for Young Children: An Introduction to the Shorter Catechism : This is available for free online. It is extremely similar to the questions/answers in Big Truths for Little Kids, but there are no stories, memory verses or other instructional recommendations. It is just the catechism.

Which catechism did I select? I chose to use Big Truths for Little Kids by Susan Hunt with my six and eight year old daughters. Well, that is a partial truth. Those of you who know me will not be surprised to learn that I did not use the book completely as is. I tweak, adjust, compile and fill in the gaps on most curriculums.

How did I go about my process?

1.      Before beginning the catechesis process with my daughters I found the three relatively similar catechisms listed above and placed them on a chart with like questions/answers next to each other (I know, I know, seems like an awful lot of work that most people would have no interest in performing, but it was enjoyable for me).

2.      I carefully read each question/answer from all three catechisms, looked up relevant Bible passages and contemplated the meaning and implications behind the wording of the catechisms where it was different.

3.      As stated above, two of the catechisms were based off the Westminster Shorter Catechism which is from a Presbyterian perspective whereas the first catechism is adjusted to conform to a Southern Baptist perspective. There are only a few questions (specifically concerning the practice of infant baptism within a believing family or the practice of believers’ baptism) which are theologically different between those two groups. The other questions are substantially similar across the catechisms. Where they differed theologically I had to make a choice whether to have my daughters memorize answers based on my beliefs concerning baptism or to omit the one or two questions leaving that discussion for another time. I chose to omit the questions concerning who should be baptized because I believe it is not a primary issue for salvation and is legitimately understood differently by people who carefully read the Bible for their instruction in church ordinances. They know already know what baptism is and understand the manner in which it is used in our church as well as in their grandparent’s church and realize there are differences in practice among believers.

4.      Most of the differences between the catechisms did not involve theological distinctions but rather word choice and phrasing. I thoughtfully selected a question and answer for each line on my chart. The words and phrases needed to be conversationally natural and eliminate as much confusion as possible later as my daughters expanded upon their understanding of the answers. For some people this may sound like over-analyzing and an unnecessary process. However, I have one daughter who is just like me in many ways, one of which is her concern for a careful use of vocabulary. She recognizes the subtle differences within word choices. I didn’t want her to become hung up on the implications of an imprecise phrase (I know that we both tend to do so). Let me give you an example. Question #6 is the same across the catechisms and asks “Are there more gods than one?” The answers all come to the same theological conclusion but have one little difference. Two of them say “There is only one God” but one of them says “There is only one true God.” Perhaps the difference does not matter to you, but it would matter to one of my daughters. In school we learn about people from all different cultures and religious traditions. We have read about the Egyptian, Greek and Roman gods and have discussed some of the basics of various world religions bearing in mind how those gods compare and contrast to the character of God revealed in the Bible. They know that when they read “god” in our books it is referring to something different than “God.” My girls understand that just because someone believes in a god does not mean that they are believers in the one true God to whom we come only through faith in Jesus Christ who provided us with the gift of salvation through His blood shed on the cross. “There is only one true God” more clearly allows for these learning and evaluating experiences to continue. Nitpicking? Perhaps, but this type of thing matters to me.

5.      After selecting which question and answer wording I would use for each question number, I copied them into a new list and printed it out.

6.      I said earlier that I chose to use Big Truths for Little Kids so you may be wondering if most of the selections I made came from that catechism. My choices were pretty evenly split among the catechisms, but I chose to use this catechism book for the purpose of the stories. My girls already memorize Bible verses for Awana club at church and occasionally in school so the memorization section of Truth and Grace Memory Book was not needed for us personally at this time. Instead I wanted to use the stories from Big Truths for Little Kids to help explain how to put the truths of Scripture to practice in their everyday circumstances so that this would not be merely an exercise in memorizing head knowledge but in practicing to always allow our knowledge about God to impact our daily lives for His glory.

Practical implementation of the catechism:

At the beginning of the week I read one new lesson from the book and went over the catechism questions from my list that corresponded to the story. The rest of the week we spent a few minutes a day memorizing the questions/answers from that lesson and reviewing those from previous weeks. Some days we would look up other Bible stories or verses that related to what they were memorizing. The girls delight in recognizing instances in their own life where the catechism was applicable or when one of their Awana verses related to a question/answer they had memorized. Seeing my girls experience those “aha” moments was a true blessing as I seek to train my girls to walk in the law and love of the Lord.

[I have included links to purchase the resources mentioned for anyone who might be interested, but please understand that I am not an affiliate of any web sites and do not receive any compensation for promoting these products. Feel free to shop around for the best deals.]

What is a catechism and why do I encourage teaching them to your children (and learning it yourself)?

What is a catechism? Catechism came from the Greek word katekeo which means “to instruct” (Luke 1:4 and Acts 18:25). Though the Greek word from which it derives does not indicate a style of instruction, the word catechism has come to be understood as a method of instruction which uses memorized questions and answers for the purpose of teaching the essentials of the faith. It was frequently used with new believers in the early church and has continued in usage without a variety of denominations today.

Why should children memorize a catechism? A number of my friends adhere to a classical education philosophy. For those who are not familiar with the paradigm, it involves a three-part process known as the Trivium which refers to an emphasis on memorizing facts in elementary school, practicing to analyze arguments in middle school, and learning to express thoughts through writing and speaking using what was learned in the previous stages during high school. While I respect those who adhere to this educational philosophy, it is not the method I have chosen for my children’s education. However, I believe a catechism fits extremely well into the model of classical education. A catechism provides children with a set of theological facts to memorize presented in a classical question and answer pattern reminiscent of ancient Greek learning from which the pattern of the Trivium was derived. Considering the similarity in style between a catechism and the early years of classical education, I am surprised more proponents of classical education do not use a catechism.

Regardless of educational philosophy, I believe this teaching method through a catechism has incredible value. Below are a few areas where I believe catechisms aid parents in providing their children with a Christian education regardless of where they attend school.

1.    General lack of biblical knowledge and understanding. There is extensive discussion about education in our society. Most parents desire their children to be well educated although the standards by which people judge academic success are as numerous and varied as the recipes for making chili. Part of the reason concerns making adjustments for the career, lifestyle and geographic locational of the individual. My farming family in North Dakota has a different set of educational needs than someone aspiring to become a foreign ambassador. Education needs to be tailored to the desired goals. So what does this have to do with a catechism?

Consider with me the goals for a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. God sent His Son into the world to save the world from the eternal wrath of God which will be poured out on sin perpetrated against the one true and holy God. The purpose for Jesus’ death on the cross does not end at the moment of forgiveness of sins but was intended to work over the course of a lifetime to sanctify the redeemed sinner in order for them to be transformed into the image of Christ as they await their eternal inheritance in heaven (Ephesians 1). Christians will not look the same at the end of their life because God has different plans for each of us. However, in the process we are all called to the same commitment of knowing and obeying His commands and teaching them to others to the praise and glory of the One who set us free from sin. Did you catch that? We need to first know what God’s Word says and then we must teach it with all diligence.

2.   God gave parents a command in Deuteronomy 6. For parents teaching this biblical wisdom begins in the home and extends outward from there in concentric circles to the ends of the earth (Matthew 28:18-20).

A friend recently relayed a conversation at a park between her daughter and a random young girl. My friend’s daughter was asking her questions about whether she believed in Jesus or had a Bible to read. The girl responded with a seemingly recited statement she must have heard from her parents indicating that they don’t want her to worry about such things as believing in God or the Bible until she is in 5^th grade. This is not an uncommon attitude in our culture, but it is diametrically opposed to the requirements the Lord God set forth for His chosen people, the Hebrews.

[Deuteronomy 6:4-9] “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

This requirement transfers by implication and significance to Christians today since we have been grafted into the family of Abraham as God’s true chosen people. The primary responsibility for instilling a love of God and providing a model for a life lived to His glory and praise rests on believing parents not on any other teacher, leader or care provider. If you provide for your children’s physical and emotional needs then good for you, but even unbelievers know how to be attentive and caring parents. You must also prioritize your children’s greatest need, their spiritual need.

3.     Sunday Schools often teach young kids the Bible stories but little theology. This is not a criticism of Sunday school teachers. I greatly appreciate their time, effort and love poured out on the children. They are doing what is in the realm of their ability and responsibility due to time constraints, class size and activity levels all of which create a limited opportunity to expound upon comprehensive statements of the faith. It is impossible to cover everything in one hour a week.

Both of my elementary age daughters just took the “Ultimate Bible Quiz” which I saw posted on Facebook recently. One answered 10 out of 13 questions correctly and the other answered 11 out of 13 questions correctly and were praised as a “Real Scholar.” I do not say this to toot my own horn as their parent but to point out that every answer on the quiz requires nothing more than a typical children’s Sunday school curriculum. None of the questions on the quiz require any understanding of the beliefs of the Christian faith or how to align our life with our faith in Christ Jesus. While it may be admirable that my 6 year old knows that Jesus did not say “My time has not yet come” from the cross (question #7 on the quiz) or knows that He rose again from the dead on the third day (question #3 on the quiz), that knowledge will not save her from sin. She needs to understand why He planned from the foundation of the world to die and what that death accomplished; she needs to know theology.

Question 42: What is meant by the Atonement?

Answer: Christ satisfying divine justice, by His sufferings and death, in the place of sinners. (Mark 10:45; Acts 13:38,39; Romans 3:24-26; 5:8,9; 2 Corinthians 5:19-21; Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 3:18)

Question 43: What did God the Father undertake in the covenant of grace?

Answer: To justify, adopt and sanctify those for whom Christ should die. (Romans 8:29-33; Hebrews 10:9,10; 1 Corinthians 1:8,9; Philippians 1:6; 1 Thessalonians 4:3,7)

I was proud of how well my girls “performed” on the “Ultimate Bible Quiz,” but I am more encouraged to know they can explain in simple terms why Jesus had to die.

4.    The Bible stories they learn have great value but will make more sense to them when they have a theological framework by which to understand them. The role of a Sunday school teacher and a children’s Bible story book (we love The Jesus Storybook Bible) are significant in children’s spiritual development. Without the stories they do not have a framework by which to understand the need for the Messiah which was promised in the book of Genesis. Jesus’ teachings in the Gospels explain why the holy God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob required blood sacrifices as a symbol of the coming atonement for sin brought to temporal reality in the death of the sinless Lamb of God on the cross. The stories about the early Church in Acts and the Epistles show us the Church is still a work in progress as our Savior continues to bring to completion God’s purpose to unit His redeemed people with Himself. We are called to lives of holiness but must rely on the promised power of God working through us to will and to act according to His good purpose. (Open your Bible to Ephesians and read. It is well worth your time!) Even young children can begin to understand the significance of these stories as more than mere entertainment when their catechism questions give them recitable phrases to bring meaning to the stories they have learned.

5.     Many church members do not have the wisdom or knowledge to discern false teaching or problematic applications of Scripture. Christians have never agreed with each other about everything. Since the beginning of the Church, history has been wrought with debates concerning the major tenants of the Christian faith. While there remain many distinctions between denominations, there is a solid historic consensus on the crucial doctrines about God necessary for a believing faith in the grace of God for salvation. These beliefs provide the foundation for catechistic teaching which aims to provide a set of basic statements of faith which can be helpful for evaluating the messages from culture, entertainment, academics, “Christian” books, Bible study discussions and even church sermons. If the teaching does not agree with the Word of God then it must be rejected.

I don’t want my children to only know the stories and some key verses in the Bible. I desire to see them grow in understanding the meaning, purposed by God through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, of the text of the Bible then, having understood the meaning first, to discern the principle or pattern being taught and how that impacts their lives. I’m not as concerned with whether they learn enough Bible trivia to know God used a donkey to speak to Balaam (Numbers 22:28-30). My hope is that they know God’s people must obey the voice of the Lord rather than yield to the wishes or expectations of His creation regardless of the individual’s position (Numbers 22:32-23:12) because God is holy and demands to be acknowledged as the Lord rather than a vague spiritual power to whom an appeal can be made for the sake of earthly gain or convenience.

For those who may be interested, I will post later about my process to find a catechism for my daughters.

The Healing Presence of the God who Sees

This week I had the random urge to retake the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test. I know, I know, random, but I couldn’t get it out of my head until I did it. Back in college one of my majors was Psychology so through the course of my study and extra-curricular involvement I have taken a variety of personality tests to determine whether I was Type A or Type B, what animal I would be (lion, otter, beaver, golden retriever), my temperament, what my spiritual gifts were, etc. You name the test, and I probably took it.

One thing that routinely shows up in the results is my deficit in sympathy. That has always bothered me to a degree because I know that as a follower of Jesus Christ I am called to have mercy and compassion, weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15), and bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). It’s not that I don’t do those things. I do. In fact, at times I find myself crying uncontrollably while praying for a known need. However, even as I type that I realize I am doing so with little emotion and a more matter-of-fact attitude. This isn’t because the tears are phony, but because the tears originate in the mercy of Jesus Christ whose Holy Spirit moves within me in spite of my natural tendencies in order to accomplish His will and purposes. The verse “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19) is very true in my case. My expression of compassion is not typically demonstrated by warm fuzzy sentiment but rather by a compelling desire to point them toward the truth and sufficiency of the Bible. It usually manifest itself differently than those who would be labeled as merciful or feeling. 

A desire for truth has all too often trumped my exercise of discretion or compassion. Thankfully the Lord is still working on me so that, with more regularity, my words come with a pause for reflecting on whether it is useful for building others up in the Lord or if it will tear them down or if it is self-promoting. I desperately need more wisdom and discernment in my speech, but the Lord is faithful to complete His work.

This morning I read a blog from a precious friend who has served and ministered to more people in horrendous, unimaginable heartbreak than anyone else I know. She does not do this sort of work because of being a highly emotional person who simply must join her emotions with those who are suffering. On the contrary, she is far more level headed than I am. Her courage, strength, steadiness under pressure, and adaptability are always a true inspiration.

She recounted an experience from the past in which she demonstrated incredible empathy, again, not because she is highly emotional, but because the Lord has given her a passion for reaching out to those who are in need of strength, an alternative (hope), and healing.  While reading her account I was reminded of my own prayers for more compassion and for a willingness to listen rather than to keep speaking. Sometimes feeling deeply about a person’s pain is not best demonstrated in normal emotionally expressive responses but rather in the steadiness of what you know is true. Sometimes being the unmovable presence that they can count on regardless of circumstances is what is needed.

In Genesis 16 we read the account of Hagar who runs away from Abram’s wife as a result of Sarai’s abusive jealous rage. Hagar was alone in the wilderness, likely with no hope of survival on her own (in chapter 21 she nearly dies in a similar situation), but God’s voice and presence break through the emptiness. God gave her a message but not a message that lied and said ‘everything will be okay’ as we often say when we see people’s suffering. No, Hagar will have a son, but he will be against everyone and everyone will be against him (Genesis 16:10-12) - not exactly what a future parent wants to hear. Where was the encouragement? Where was the compassion? What kind of helpful presence could that possibly be?

What was Hagar's response to this depressing news? She finds hope. Wait, why? How? She could have hope because she experienced the presence of God – not as a heartless being but as “the God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). She had hope because she was not alone in her current misery and would not be alone in her coming misery because she knew His presence. The passage doesn’t use the word hope so why do I say that is her response? Because she doesn’t continue on her path of running away (then dying in the dessert) but obeys His words (Genesis 16:9) and returns to face her fears and her abuser – that requires hope and courage which come from knowing you are not alone.  It comes from having someone present in your life who is not scared away by the pain, suffering, or ugliness of the situation but who is willing to stay, unmoved, and when the time is right to speak truth.

What heartache have you experienced? What shame has driven you to withdraw, run away, or strike out in fits of rage? What difficulty seems insurmountable?

Be consoled, as was Hagar ---“So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, ‘You are a God of seeing,’ for she said, ‘Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me’” (Genesis 16:13).

Allow the Lord to speak words of truth into your life. Don’t seek after words that mere placate your emotions but words that spur you on toward godliness, good deeds, and a priority fixed on Jesus Christ rather than on temporary things. Take comfort in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ who always keeps His promises and has no falsehood in Him. “The Lord is at hand.”

Philippians 4:4-14 [ESV] 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 14 Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble.

Talking to my girls about 9/11...

This morning, upon realizing the date, I turned on the news. I expect to see coverage of the events of twelve years ago today, and I was not disappointed. Fox News was airing clips of their live news coverage of the events of that heartrending day. I watched what I had watched twelve years ago with my husband of less than four months from the couch in our first apartment. I watched people running down the street covered in ash, dirt, dust, and blood. I watched burning buildings. I watched people being interviewed about what they saw as they escaped from what was for so many a deathtrap. I listened as Tom Brokaw spoke with utter shock as he described the events taking place. Although it was too early to know the cause behind the destruction, he knew, as did we all, that our lives would never be the same again.

As I remembered this day twelve years ago (as well as the same day last year), I debated whether or not to say anything to my children about it. They had finished breakfast, gotten dressed and were waiting for me to start homeschool with them. Just as my day started with such normality twelve years ago before hearing the news so did their day begin today. Just as I had gone about my morning as a newlywed believing life was great, my girls were laughing and playing while oblivious to the pain currently being experienced by so many.

I decided to tell my girls about the day so I called them into my bedroom and allowed them to watch a few brief moments of news coverage before turning the television off.

But what should I say to a five and a seven year old that would not give them needless nightmares or fears about air travel or tall buildings? What did I want them to understand and learn?

I didn’t go into detail about the terrorists’ religious backgrounds or about exactly how they carried out their wicked plan, but here is what I decided to explain...

 

Today is a sad day for many people in our country because it is when we remember that twelve years ago there were certain people who hated our country so much that they chose to murder people that they did not even know. There were 2,977 people murdered, around 6,000 people injured, and countless lives forever affected by the loss and pain.

 We may not be able to understand how they could do such a thing, but… What does the Bible say about this hatred?

 

Jesus tells us in the Bible that hating a person is a sin just like murdering a person is a sin (Matthew 5:21-22). We are told that the hate in our heart is the same as if we were murdering them in our heart even if we were not doing it in real life. “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer” (1 John 3:15).

 

If we have anger in our heart towards someone we need to evaluate our attitude to see if the anger is honoring to God (righteous anger against sin) or if our anger is selfish and proud. If our attitude is wrong we need to pray that the Lord would change our heart so that we can honor Him. It is so important to pray for this help because we cannot change our heart on our own. This change can only take place by the work of the Holy Spirit in the lives of those who believe in Jesus Christ for their salvation.

 

[The girls have been memorizing a catechism so many of these questions/answers are familiar to them. I intend to blog about this in the future.]

Q. 40. Who can change a sinner's heart?

A. The Holy Spirit alone.

John 3:3; Romans 8:6-11; 1 Corinthians 2:9-14; 2 Thessalonians 2:13,14; Titus 3:5,6

Q. 59. Can you repent and believe by your own power?

 A. No - I cannot do anything good unless the Holy Spirit enables me.

John 3:5,6; 6:44; Romans 8:2,5,8-11; 1 Corinthians 2:9-14; Galatians 5:17,18; Ephesians 2:4-6)

Q. 60. How can you get the help of the Holy Spirit?

 A. God will give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.

(Luke 11:9-13; John 4:10; 16:24)

 

Whom do you know in the Bible who allowed his anger to turn into hate which spilled out of his heart into real murder? Cain (Genesis 4:2-8). God saw Cain’s heart as the selfish anger began to grow and warned Cain to bring his attitude into check so that the sin would not rule in his heart and life. Cain did not heed the LORD’s warning but allowed the anger to grow into sin leading to murder which resulted in the worst punishment of being sent away from the LORD’s presence (Genesis 4:14,16).

So if hatred is a wrong attitude then what kind of attitude should we have?

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-- even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:3-8)

 

Even though He is God, Jesus Christ was willing to die for our sins because of His great love for us (Romans 5:8). This is the opposite attitude of the hatred that leads to murder or destruction.

We all sin, and we all have bad attitudes at times. When we do we need to allow the LORD to change our heart and our thoughts.

 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

God created us for His own glory, and we can give glory to Him by loving and obeying Him (catechism questions 1, 3, and 4). His rules are not to be mean, inconvenient or burdensome to us. Instead He gave us these rules of how to act and what heart attitude to have because He knows that it is the best for our lives. He knows that obeying Him brings about blessing for us and that disobeying (sinning) causes death and destruction for us and those around us…just as happened on September 11, 2001.

­­­I know there are countless other issues that can be brought up as we reflect on the memory of this day in history. Our political and economic landscapes have changed as a result of that day. Families and friends will forever miss their lost loved ones. Freedoms have been taken away from the citizens of our country as a preventative measure against future attacks, and yet political correctness requires that we not give scrutiny to those groups with which the terrorists aligned themselves. Questions can be raised about why bad things happen and where God is when they do. There are practical lessons to learn about how best to respond to catastrophic events in an attempt to save lives and provide immediate relief to those hurting and long-term comfort for those who continue to mourn.

There will come a time, as they grow older, when I will teach my girls about the earthly results of the attack of September 11^th as well as about the deeper theological questions that are naturally raised. However, for now I wanted them to examine the heart. What led to the devastation? Was it Islamic terrorism or was it preeminently rooted in sin? Ultimately I say sin. Sin is at the heart of each tragedy and sorrow regardless of what form it takes. That same sin is in my heart, the hearts of my girls, and the hearts of all of humankind except by the cleansing of the blood of Jesus Christ who has the power and authority to forgive sin, cleanse us from all unrighteousness and give us the hope of a sanctified life enjoying His presence for all of eternity if only we have faith in Him as LORD (Romans 3:23-28, 1 John 1:8-10, Matthew 9:6 and Mark 2:10, John 17, Romans 5).

Review of Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl

Why am I posting a book review on Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl?

I love books. I love reading. I wish I had more uninterrupted time to read. I used to have a quiet house (or dorm room) where I could curl up in fuzzy blankets and devour book after book. Now I have children running around who frequently need my attention so I have to be much more selective about what I attempt to read because my time is more limited. Such is the life of a mom!

Back to the question at the beginning… I have seen many Facebook statuses, Pinterest pins, and blogs referencing the book Created To Be His Help Meet lately. I don’t know if there really has been a large increase in the postings compared to before or if my attention has just been drawn to the references whereas it wasn’t previously. Regardless, I feel compelled to write in response to what I have seen among friends who I love and value. Knowing others, like myself, do not have unlimited time to read, I hope this post will give them food for thought as they decide what to do with this book that has been (unfortunately) highly recommended by many well intentioned and precious women (myself included at one time).

I will start with the good aspects of the book, but please do not miss out on the concerns I will address farther down.

What I like about the book:

1) Although I believe that Peal greatly lacks the grace and compassion in her language and approach that should characterize a follower of Jesus Christ, as someone who also does not claim to have the "gift of encouragement" I am at times refreshed when someone gives a hard message even knowing it may not be popular. She makes no apology for calling people out on their sin…neither does Jesus…and yet there needs to be grace rather than just law (this will be addressed later in my review).

2) All of us know wives who strive to be their husbands' Holy Spirit, CEO or mother. We know wives who are extremely selfish, always cranky and can never be pleased by the man they chose to marry. Those women need to hear, in no uncertain or flowery terms, that what they are doing is a sin and will only lead to further heartache and problems. Pearl does not let women get by with having sinful attitudes, actions, reactions or thoughts. Thank you, Pearl, for calling sin "sin." (But please don't add to the list of sins.)

3) I can’t argue with Pearl’s list of hardships (p29) that a woman could potentially experience with the divorce that she is working inevitably toward. Even when the husband is in sin, the wife is not given permission to act sinfully in response and may suffer unpleasant consequences as a result of her chosen actions and attitudes. This is a major theme in Pearl’s book. When faced with struggles in marriage our emotions may initially be anger at the betrayal. However, our response needs to be petitioning the Lord for the power to forgive, to endure and to be restored whenever that is possible while realizing that things may still end in divorce (hopefully only when biblically allowed rather than just out of spite and hurt feelings). God hates divorce, not because He enjoys seeing people in loveless marriages, but because He knows (better than Pearl’s list describes) the deep destruction divorce causes to everyone involved. Divorce distorts our understanding of God’s never-ending, unconditional love and grace lavished on His bride. Don’t allow yourself to go down a road of mounting bitterness towards your husband (“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5).

4) Keep in mind, Pearl is writing to the wife. She is not writing to the husband. It is so easy for us to say in anger and frustration, “But what about him!” Each of us is responsible for our own sin and our own reaction to being sinned against. How can a woman expect to control (or discipline) her husband if she has no control over herself and has not submitted to the Lordship of Christ and laid down her pride before His throne. Yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in your own life before making demands on another (“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Matthew 7:3…not that the stories in her book showed mere sawdust in the husbands’ eyes, but the point still remains that we are responsible first to confess our sin before the Lord and allow Him to change our hearts.)

5) Pearl gives plenty of good encouragement and advice to be diligent as a wife and mother at home. Again, there are many women, myself included way too often, who are lazy with their responsibilities and are more concerned with entertainment and personal pleasure at the expense of caring for their home. If I am spending all of my family’s money carelessly, watching too much TV, reading Facebook too much, etc. and am not doing anything about the mountain of laundry then there is a problem. I am not a fan of the pictures that says, "A messy home is a happy home" or "I will clean when the kids are grown; right now we are playing outside." Yes, there needs to be a balance in life, but I get tired of women (myself included) thinking that it is acceptable, even funny, to habitually shirk their work. Pearl doesn't let that attitude fly, and I appreciate that. Should we uphold a spotless home as a godly home? NO! Absolutely not! Is it wrong to play with our kids and let the laundry wait at times? Not necessarily. Moms should enjoy their children and spend time with them. But the question each person should ask is, “What is my habit and attitude in this area?” Evaluate whether your priorities are God honoring or habitually self-serving.

On page 183 she makes a good point about the difference in attitude between how to go about raising cows versus how we should be raising our children. A person would be satisfied caring for the basic needs of the utilitarian farm animal, but to train up and care for children should be done out of deep love and commitment to them in all manners of life.

Now For the Bad…

I am alarmed by some of Debi Pearl’s teaching. I critique every book I read and note the good and bad in the margins – only the Bible is inerrant – so when I read this book, along with a few friends, I followed my typical practice. Here is where I insert my advice to predominantly read the Bible so that you are able to evaluate other books according to scripture…even if it is a book by John Piper or Albert Mohler! I am in no way claiming to be wiser or more discerning than they are but am merely acknowledge that we all have flaws which require us to rely on the Lord’s grace rather than the law and to rely on His Word of Truth rather than the opinions of people (even though highly respected and endorsed).

The following points are some of my concerns that I was quickly reminded of by reviewing my notes in the book margins.

1. When reading the Bible
Pearl proudly stated that her husband, who supposedly knows Greek, always goes first to the KJV when he really "wants to know what God says" (p53). The problematic implication here is that the KJV translation is better than the original. Now, I don’t personally know Greek so I have to rely on using a trustworthy translation and many Bible study helps for the original languages when a debated issue arises within a text, but my concern remains that her statement is not a wise or intelligent one to make and would have been better off omitted from the book. Moving on...

2. Taking Scripture out of context
A prevailing concern of mine is the tendency of many believers and nonbelievers to take a single verse or small passage out of context and use it as support for their personal opinion rather than allowing the Bible to speak as a unified voice to give interpretation and application to individual passages. I’m sure all of us have committed this error at times. Sometimes the conclusion reached is indeed a biblical truth but cannot be extrapolated from that particular passage but would be better supported by a different passage. Other times people use a verse out of context to “prove” their unbiblical idea or theology. The latter is my concern with Pearl. I believe she has, on occasion, taken Scripture out of context as support for unbiblical views.
1 Timothy 2:14 – see #3 below
Revelation 2:20 – see #4 below
Proverbs 22:6 – see #11 below

3. Adam and Eve’s created nature
Pearl states that Adam "could not have been deceived" by Satan in the garden (p107). That is reading a lot of bad theology into a 1 Timothy 2:14 which does not say he couldn’t be deceived but just that someone else (“the woman” - Eve) was instead. This theology has huge ramifications not only for husband/wife and man/woman but also for our understanding of the nature of sin in humankind. It is a serious problem when people add something (even by implication) to the biblical text. That alone should make everyone reading the Pearls’ material extremely cautious to check the scripture themselves to make sure the Pearls’ are not, yet again, adding to scripture.

4. Jezebel – What was she condemned for in the Old Testament? She says, in reference to Revelation 2:20 that "Any woman who defies the scripture's prohibition against women teachers in the Church is following in the grave tradition of Jezebel" (p112). That is not only taken out of context but teaches an oversimplification that is taken too far...but I will not get into that issue further here at this time. You can read the Scripture references to Jezebel in the context of the books and chapters for yourself to learn what her sin entailed.

5. The spiritual woman and her identity
Proverbs 31
She pushes the line on #3 above again when talking about Proverbs 31 by singling out what is not listed in the passage, asserting that the "modern spiritual woman" who has a quiet time, is a prayer warrior and is a teacher is more like Jezebel (p114). That falsehood should not need further explaining, but just in case some have bought into that lie…

Socially Desirable Qualities versus A Heart After the Lord
While Proverbs 31 is a fabulous passage for women, it is not the full extent of what our lives as believers should entail. Each of the things listed could characterize a non-believer just as easily as it could a believer in Jesus Christ (with the exception of verse 30 “a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised”). Our character and behavior should not merely equal that of a moral and hard-working heathen but should grow ever increasingly to mirror the heart of Jesus Christ. This is only accomplished by grace as the Holy Spirit works in us through our regular communion with Him in His Word, in prayer, in participation in the Body of Christ, and in ministry…again, by grace not by works…as we abide in Him and He abides in us (John 15)

Growing in knowledge, wisdom and the counsel of the Lord
     “True worship of God is not dependent upon other people or special circumstances, nor does it require a       time of meditation… Remember that the sin of Eve was to seek deeper knowledge and to be like the             gods. Independent of her husband, she sought to go deeper. Her ambition was personal spiritual                   fulfillment, which is the most selfish drive that can possess a person and the easiest to justify, humanly             speaking. It is the foundation of all sin and rebellion” (p181).

Eve’s sin was not that of desiring spiritual knowledge or fulfillment apart from her husband. On the contrary, she desired her husband to attain it with her. Rather, her sin was that of desiring spiritual knowledge and fulfillment apart from God. Scripture tells us that “the fear of the LORD” is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111:10, Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 1:7). We should all have “the fear of the LORD” so that we would truly recognize His holiness, awesome power and authority over our lives.

The Lord desires for us to draw near to Him and to grow in our knowledge and understanding of Him. This is not a selfish ambition but is the desire to seek a deeper relationship with the One who saved us in order to worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:22-26). We must accurately and intimately know the One to whom we bestow our worship. John Piper’s book Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God is a fantastic study on this subject.

If all you can do at this stage in your life is to “read the Scriptures just a few minutes here and there throughout the day, and meditate on what you read as you work” (p181) then do at least that for now. However, in disagreement with Pearl, if you are too busy to spend half an hour of focused time in worship each day then you have your priorities out of order in favor of household duties or other pursuits (Confession: I am convicted of frequent wrong priorities in this regard).

Working at home / being a wife
      “Seek to serve your family by tying your little one’s shoe strings, reading a book to your toddler, telling a        simple Bible story to the whole gang, and making sweet love with your husband. These are the things            God counts as important in knowing and loving him.” (page 182)

All of the things she mentioned are nice ways to serve your family, but they are not what God counts as most important. Hopefully it is obvious that those actions are not what give a mom, wife or daughter of the Most High God value and purpose in life. In Matthew 28:19-20 Jesus called His disciples to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” In Acts 1:8 we read the setting where this ministry is to take place when Jesus says, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." For a wife and mom that starts in her own home, but it should not end there. This will be addressed further in #12 below.

6. Can a woman teach? If so what and to whom?
After the issues addressed above in #3 and #4, Pearl attempts to set herself in contrast to the Jezebels and claims to "never publicly teach doctrine to anyone, men or women" (p121). Um, I think there has been a lot of theology (some good but most bad) in the book already. Pearl, is it ok for a woman to teach or isn't it?

Wherever she, or others, take a stand on this highly debated issue, it is crucial to be consistent with the applications of the conviction. If she does not believe women can teach doctrine to men then fine; she has a lot of good company within that position. However, to say she does not even teach doctrine to women is not true and not unbiblical to do even in the view of complementarians. If it was sinful there would be no gospel-oriented ministry available for women.

Titus 2:3-4, as she references at the top of the same page quoted above (p121), is a great passage for women, but just as we saw with the Proverbs 31 passage, (see #5 above) those traits can be taught to a non-believer just the same as a believer. Those characteristics are good, but on their own they do not speak of the Gospel of Jesus Christ when stripped of their purpose for believers found in the doctrines of scripture. The qualities listed for men and women are equally meant to be “fitting for sound doctrine” (Titus 2:1). Solid doctrine and the listed character qualities and practices must go together otherwise you are left with carnal acts void of the power, grace, love and Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Titus 2:1-5 (NASB)
2:1 - But as for you, speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine.
2:2 - Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.
2:3 - Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,
2:4 - so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
2:5 - to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

7. Damaging advice to certain women over whom she holds influence
Pearl supported a wife's decision to remain fully engaged in a marriage relationship with her husband who routinely visits prostitutes (pp126-127). I can only assume she would expect the wife to personally provide him with sex as well since that is a wife's responsibility which she expects to continue regardless of circumstances as seen repeatedly in her book. I firmly believe marriages like that can (but may not) be restored. However, this husband’s sin should not be hidden and allowed to continue unchecked as the wife turns the other cheek while regularly subjecting herself to the ever increasing risk of STDs. The Bible says sex in marriage should not be withheld except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5), and this is an excellent example of an occasion to take a break for prayer (and intense Christian counseling)!

This is not the only instance of dangerous (in my opinion) advice in the book. However, I have not taken the time to search out page references for additional examples for this book review.

8. A double standard of expectations for husbands and wives
Pearl has a double standard in the way a husband and a wife can and are expected to respond to each other. She denies imposing a double standard (p139), but her repeated choice in wording reveals the truth.

Wives: She believes a wife should “reverence” her husband regardless of his worthiness because God has placed her in subjection to her husband (p127 and many other pages). I am not in disagreement with this on the surface, but I do believe there is a way to respect him while still being used as iron sharpening iron.

Husbands: She says that a husband cannot and should not be expected to ever cherish and accept his wife if she is less than lovable (p115, 138 and others). Of course, it is wise to remember the Proverbs concerning nagging and foolish wives (Proverbs 21:9) and not make life unnecessarily difficult for husbands.

We are all (regardless of gender) accountable to respond with obedience to God, empowered by His Spirit not merely our own efforts, regardless of circumstances. If God has the power (which of course He does) to soften a woman's heart toward her cheating and abusive husband then He also has the power to soften a husband's heart toward his nagging and manipulative wife, despite what Pearl implies. Wives do not receive added grace from God which is not made available for husbands. I believe the double standard in Pearl’s expectations is clear.

As Christians we are called to respond to one another with the grace and forgiveness that Jesus has bestowed on us. This leads into the next point.

9. Absence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the book
The real problem above is that this unfeasible (according to Pearl) unconditional love of a husband for his wife is illustrated at the very heart of the Gospel message – a message which is critically lacking throughout this book. The good news of the Gospel is that the Groom (Jesus Christ) loved His bride (the Church) even when we were yet ugly, ungrateful, disrespectful, self-centered, arrogant, and dead in our sin and complete depravity.

Thank You, Lord, that You did not wait for me to clean up my act before initially loving me. I could never be worthy of Your grace and loving-kindness (hesed)! Thank You for continuing to love me even when I return to my unloveliness. Thank You for clothing me in Jesus’ blood and righteousness! I was unworthy, but
"Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." (Revelation 5:12)

      Ephesians 2:4-9 “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even         when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been               saved -- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that         in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ           Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of           God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

10. Friendships among women
Some people in reviewing this book have failed to take what Pearl said about friendships with other women in context with the letter from the woman to whom Pearl was responding. The woman in the letter does have issues, attitudes, priorities and theology on worship that needs to be corrected (p180-182).

However, Pearl does need to realize that our crucial biblical relationships are not limited to husband/wife. That earthly relationship was intended to illustrate that we are ultimately part of the bride of Christ, the Church. As individual members of the Church we make up the Body of Christ, brothers and sisters in Him, children of the Most High. Those relationships will be eternal whereas our earthly marriage will have its end at our earthly death (Matthew 22:30).

Pearl is wrong in the focus of her rebuke. God does intend for us to have friendship with other women. There are countless passages of scripture where close earthly ties are mentioned and treasured both for men and for women. After all, we are the Body of Christ and cannot do life and ministry alone. We need each other as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) to spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:23-25). Now that does not mean your girlfriends should be your primary relationships if you are married. In marriage you become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and that intimacy should be valued, established and prioritized as a reminder of our preeminent relationship as the bride (the Church) of the Groom (Jesus Christ). The Bible speaks extensively about the need to come together in corporate worship as a body of believers. The early church not only meet for a corporate worship service, but they prioritized breaking bread together (Acts 2:46) – this was not only speaking of participating in Communion but was speaking of the fellowship and friendship they shared as a family of believers who shared life, and meals, together. That is still important now even for women.

Even as we acknowledge the importance of the Body of Christ and corporate worship, we need to remember that we do not need the physical presence of a close, female friendship (or our husband) each time we enter into worship, scripture study or prayer. We are all part of the priesthood (1 Peter 2:5) and do not need an earthly mediator if we have been saved by the grace of our heavenly Prophet, Priest and King (Hebrews) whose death split the temple veil which had previously prevented direct access to the Holy presence of God.

11. Child raising responsibility
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

On page 182 Pearl quotes Proverbs 22:6 using the passage to make the claim it is a mother's responsibility to train up the children because she is to be a “help meet” to her husband, and it is his responsibility to go away from the home to work. The problem is this passage was written by Solomon to his son not to his daughter. Her use of the passage is not faithful to the biblical example or context. The idea of the mother being the primary parent who does all of the teaching, training and raising of the children is more of an industrialized age alternative for child rearing. Pearl had to take scripture out of context in order to fit it around this historically new idea of family roles and responsibilities. Yes, men were created to work, but they were also held personally and primarily responsible for passing on a godly heritage to their offspring - that was not something they were able to delegate solely to their wife any more than mothers should delegate it to day care workers or Sunday school teachers. Fathers, train up your children!

12. What are we to “train up” our children to do?
On page 183 Pearl gives her answer to this question:
      “Training up a child means showing them how to: make corn tortillas, pedal a tricycle, make up a bed,            put toys away, cook for forty people in one hour, read, demonstrate respect for others, and a thousand        other wonderful things.”

That answer breaks my heart because, again, she misses the Gospel message. God isn’t concerned about what we know how to do academically nor is He concerned about the life skills we have mastered nor is He concerned if we have good table manners. God's primary concern for our children is NOT with outward appearance, physical ability or practical knowledge. Rather, His primary concern is with the heart (1 Samuel 16). He has not blessed us with children, entrusting them to our care, in order for us to raise them to be polite, educated, productive heathens.

She focused on the word “train” (chanak), but the more important word is what we are to dedicate or train them to do. The passage in Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go” (italics added for emphasis). The Hebrew word here is derek which according to the Strong’s Concordance means such things as way, road, distance, journey, manner, path, direction, habit, course of life, and moral character. We are to train our children in the way of Jesus Christ who walked the road to the cross in order to save us from our sin enabling us to live in a manner, path, direction, habit, course of life, and moral character that is consistent with His righteousness which He bestowed onto us at salvation in order to present us holy and pleasing to the Lord (Ephesians 1:4).

The catechism I am using with my children asks and answers “Why did God make you and all things? For His own glory." (Psalm 19:1; Jeremiah 9:23,24; Revelation 4:11; 5:13) It goes on to ask “How can you glorify God? By loving Him and doing what He commands." (Ecclesiastes 12:13; Mark 12:29-31; John 15:8-10; 1 Corinthians 10:31)

13. When sexual abuse happens to children
It is absolutely despicable to blame parents, the mother primarily, as Pearl does (pp209-210) for any sexual abuse a child experiences, assuming the parents are diligent and thoughtful about whom they allow to be alone with their children. A mother should not be required to be with her children 24/7 until they are 18 years old in order to avoid being accused of failing to be a “keepers at home… that the word of God be not blasphemed” Titus 2:5 KJV (I chose to use her version here because the other versions do not use the word “blasphemed” which is the strong language she uses to condemn the mothers).

We should always strive to be wise and discerning, but we cannot let our lives be controlled by law or all of the “what if’s” in the world. Bad things happen in life. That really stinks! But the sin in our own lives and the consequences we may endure due to the sin committed by another show us our desperate need for a Savior. Mothers and wives do not hold all of the control for the outcome of children or marriages. We need to turn in humility to the One who is Lord of all Creation and allow God to be God over the good, the bad and the ugly that we will experience in life.

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Again, those are only some of the problems with the book, but they give a sample of what to be wary of if someone still chooses to read the book. There is some good stuff in the book scattered among the plethora of bad theology, opinions and advice, but I would suggest you find a more Gospel centered book if you are in need of encouragement or even correction.

The book brings up many challenging issues to ponder and offers countless opportunities to practice testing everything against scripture. I do not read any book that quotes scripture without having my Bible out to read the passage in context and at least do a quick check for cross references as the need arises (I added hyperlinks to this review to make it easier for any readers to follow up on the verses I inserted). It is too easy to be swayed by carefully crafted prose into believing something that is inconsistent with an accurate reading and handling of Scripture. Read the Bible yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to be your teacher as you test the words of fallible earthly authors and teachers.

Would I recommend this book? Not to most people, but I do think there is some value in reading books from other perspectives IF you have a firm foundation in Scripture, a critical mind, and wise friends to keep you from being swayed by false doctrine (Titus 1:9). Again, no Christian book other than the Bible is inerrant...some are significantly better and more Gospel and grace oriented than others.


Debi Pearl is clearly a fractured woman who is struggling to reconcile the theology she has been taught with what she sees and experiences practically in her own marriage and in other marriages. I believe she is struggling and hurting deeply due to the spiritual bondage in which she lives but is putting on a strong face to the world. Why do I believe that? Because she is unable to adequately answer questions about when a woman can speak her opinion or ask a question of her husband (p 192-196) and is unable to give an answer to the question about when not to obey a husband but is required to give that authority to discern over to her husband (p258). Most importantly, I know she is hurting because she is living under law and not under grace. She needs our prayer. She may not be the wise mentor she believers herself to be, but the Lord is not finished working on her. My prayer is that she grasps the reality and magnitude of Jesus’ grace and is then able to truly step out into a Gospel centered ministry rather than the damaging one in which she is currently involved.