What lessons can we learn about sexual abuse in the home?

There has been a lot of lip service on Facebook and countless blogs about the "counseling" Josh Duggar and the girls he abused received and how that counseling and his “humble and honest confession” makes things better because the family supposedly did the right thing after the abuse happened. I want to point out a few details about that, not because I desire to drag their reputations through the mud, but because I believe there are some crucial lessons to be learned through the tragedy which can only be learned by carefully reading and researching the information. 

As background, here is a brief timeline of events based on the police report. The first incident of abuse reported to the parents occurred in March of 2002. Josh finally admitted to the abuse in July 2002 and was "disciplined" by his parents, but he remained in the home with no reference to steps other than “discipline” which were taken by the family to ensure the abuse would not continue. The abuse did continue through March 2003 when Josh was sent away at the insistence of the church elders after his father finally approached them with the information. His parents refused to send him to professional treatment centers suggested by various elders and instead selected to send him to Harold Walker. Walker used to run the Basic Life Principles Training Center in Little Rock for Bill Gothard (close friend of the Duggar family and founder of the ATI homeschool group who stepped down in 2014 due to 30+ accusations of sexual harassment and molestation and countless failures to report sexual abuse of minors perpetrated by others). Based on Jim Bob’s testimony to the police, Josh's three months with Harold Walker was the "counseling" that he received. However, Michelle later admitted to the police in the report that Walker was not a counselor but rather that Josh was sent there to help this guy they know remodel a building (he was apparently working on converting the old VA hospital into their new training center). There is never any other counselor or time of treatment mentioned for him in the police report dated December 2006 or in any other record which has been disclosed up to this point which leads me to believe Josh never received counseling.

I have seen nothing that talks about Josh's time in Little Rock from his perspective. He refused to be interviewed by the police investigators in 2006 so they were not able to ask him for details concerning his treatment/training/counseling/work project or whatever it truly was in Little Rock, but per Michelle's testimony to the police investigator in 2006, Walker was not a counselor. 

There is absolutely no mention in the police report (3 1/2 years after the abuse) of any counseling for the girls (the only time “counseling” is brought up is by Jim Bob in regards to Josh). When the girls were asked by the police investigator if anyone had talked with them about what happened they answered that their parents did - no additional people/counselors are listed by any of the four siblings who were abused. The father of the family friend who was the fifth girl abused did not permit his daughter to be interviewed by the police so I don't know what kind of help if any she received. 

What do I hope people will come to understand through this sad story?

The significance of abuse

One of Josh's sisters said in the police interview that she loves Josh but did not trust him anymore. Even though the girls were young (the five girls living in the house at the time were between the ages of 12 and 5 years old) and may not all have clear memories of the events, sexual abuse is still a violent crime which has lasting implications for the relationship. Though forgiveness can be honestly extended, the relationship will not necessarily be restored because the trust has been broken. I am not saying it is impossible to restore trust because I know Jesus Christ is a miracle worker in the hearts of His children, but the mere words of “I’m sorry will you forgive me” are not the same as a humbled attitude and sincere behavior and attitude change. I do not know where Josh’s heart is right now. However, in his public statement he said, "I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life." While that is true, there is no mention of the ongoing harm his actions brought upon his victims. I don’t know if the sister has begun to trust him again since the interview in 2006. I do know that just because she has forgiven him does not mean she trusts him or believes that he recognizes the impact it had on her life rather than just his own, and that is her right and her responsibility in placing boundaries between her and her abuser for as long as she sees necessary. When abuse happens in the home, parents should not try to make or force proximity or relationship that is not desired or comfortable for the victim. That brings us to the next point…

The importance of reporting abuse immediately

Abuse must be reported and dealt with immediately so that it doesn't continue to occur or affect more individuals as it did in this case. I have serious problems with the Duggar's decision to allow Josh’s continued unrestricted presence in the home for a full year during which time it was known that he was abusing his sisters. After he was finally sent away for “counseling” in March of 2003 he was allowed to return to the home after only three months of physical labor. I assume there were new practices and family rules put in place after his return in July of 2003 to prevent such events from continuing, but those should have been put in place in March of 2002 when the abuse was first discovered. Since they did not report the crime to authorities or other counseling professionals and take immediate steps to protect the children in the home but chose to deal with it themselves the abuse spread. It was not only one daughter who was abused but four daughters and a family friend who because victims. It would have been enough of a tragic story if there had been only one victim before he was prevented from continuing his abuse. However, because they did not take immediate steps to protect the children in their home the story went from tragic (but sadly more common than people realize) to irresponsible over the year that followed.

The importance of proper counseling.

Based on police interviews, if any of them (the girls or Josh) received professional counseling it was more than 3 1/2 years after the abuse. I know there are many abuse victims who have never received counseling. Some have come through the ordeal with amazing strength and dignity despite their solitary journey. Others have struggled with continued feelings of guilt, betrayal, anger, depression, and the belief that they are now “sloppy seconds” despite the fact that they were victims not willing participants. Regardless of the fact that many have endured their experience to become functional women, this should not keep us from pursuing professional help, particularly for young children in our care who cannot reach out for help themselves.

As far as for the young abuser in the home (yes, even at his age of 14 years it is necessary despite doubt expressed by many merciful individuals who are posting on the web), professional counseling is a necessity. It is not “normal” teenage curiosity or behavior to fondly your young sisters. This type of abnormal, criminal and sinful behavior requires professional help to overcome so that it does not become a lifelong pattern. The longer the behavior occurs and the more violations committed this behavior progresses from a sick curiosity to an obsession to the point that the person is unable to stop despite their recognition that it is wrong and damaging. It was dangerous and irresponsible to allow the abuse to continue for a year giving him further opportunity to become enslaved to the behavior, but to withhold trained counseling was potentially setting him up for future, habitual, sexual abuse as well (notice I used the word “potentially” not “definitely”).

I know many of my friends will object at this point reminding me that God is able to forgive all sin and to change hearts and desires. That is true. God has always been a miracle working God, and His character and power never change. He does promise to forgive the sins of those who repent and trust in Jesus Christ by faith regardless of how heinously or nonchalantly we view the sin. God does change the hearts of His people and give us the desire to love, serve and obey Him. However, despite what some people teach, that does not mean that He always takes away every single sinful desire immediately (or ever in this life). That should be obvious to us because we all continue to sin – repeatedly - day after day - with the same type of sin - myself included. If you think the sins of laziness, lashing out with your tongue, or envy are difficult to control then how much more difficult would it be to control sexual sins which burn images and neural connections in our brains leading to addictive behavior and alluring flashbacks that can occur at any time. Anyone who struggles with pornography (an incredibly large percentage even among Christian men including pastors) knows the incredible accountability, help and safeguards they need in order to abstain from the sin. Sexual abuse is not only sin but it is also a violent crime so it requires carefully crafted levels of accountability (I would argue pornography is also a violent crime but that would be for another blog). Christians cannot assume God will change the heart of the abuser to rid them of this desire just because they have confessed and repented once, or twice. How many times have you repented of your recurring sins? I can't count the times for myself. Even the apostle Paul said he had pleaded with God to remove his “thorn in the flesh” (whatever that means), but it did not happen. Abusers do not have to continue to offend, but they need very specialized help in order to stop.

The latest Duggar story makes me very sad just as it does most of you. I haven't been able to get it off my mind because I am fearful that others will follow the same dangerous pattern we see in place of failing to report abuse for fear of ruining family reputations. This is why I am writing. I did not say it was a malicious failure to report the abuse indicating that the parents wanted it to happen or didn't care that it happened. Clearly they cared and were heartbroken. However, their lack of wisdom in how to deal with abuse resulted in repeated abuse and apparently insufficient (at best) "counseling" or at least counseling not conducted in a timely manner based on a careful reading of details from all official reports. 

I realize most parents don't know what to do in the situation in which the Duggars found themselves. My head would be spinning if it happened in my family, but because I have so many friends who have been abused, have a degree in Psychology, and have a dear friend who works with girls rescued from the sex slave industry as well as trains police officers in abuse identification, I would immediately reach out to professionals and research solid treatment and counseling options because I know without a doubt that I could not handle the treatment or counseling myself (as it appears by all official accounts that the Duggars chose to attempt at least for their girls).

I hope that this tragic incident will help people learn how to handle abuse better. I know the past cannot be undone for Josh, his victims or any of the countless individuals with stories like theirs who are not in the public eye right now. However, the future could look different if people learned what NOT to do in the case of abuse from this story. I hope that we can all, myself included, honestly and humbly learn from mistakes whether from our own or those of others.